The creators of the show were clearly ticking things off a list:
✅ “Cue the intro music guys. Let the viewers know that we are a cool and hip show.”
✅ “Ok kid, time for you to quip now. And Number 1, you need to be totally nonchalant about it and give a corny reply. Can you be emotionless and not crack up? Of course he can, it’s the only expression he’s got.”
✅ “Slick camera work! Maybe that will help cover all of your lousy acting.”
And holy crap, if there is any TV show/movie or medium of art that wholly defines wooden acting, this would take the top spot definitely. What on earth were the casting directors doing even?! Apart from Number 4 and Number 5, everyone else has nothing to show on their faces at all. Just a deadpan look and monotone line delivery.
Ok, let’s forget the crappy stuff for a bit.
The Umbrella Academy is the latest amongst a thousand productions that Netflix keeps churning out every week. And like 80% of those shows, this one is utter trash. I think their executives just love greenlighting the shows, chucking them on to the wall and then the executives just pray for one to stick.
43 kids were born to women on a random day at the start of which they weren’t pregnant. A wealthy businessman adopts 7 such children and he discovers that these kids have extraordinary abilities. Abilities that could be used to change the world. Instead of giving them names, he assigns them numbers –Ã la Reservoir Dogs or Money Heist.
Number 1: He has super strength. He pretends like he’s the caring one, but is a dick.
Number 2: He can curve projectiles. He’s a softie deep inside but pretends to be a dick.
Number 3: She manipulates reality, can make people do her bidding by uttering the phrase “I heard a rumour…” (I heard a rumour you forgot you ever watched this show in the first place. Gimme that mindwiping gizmo, Tommy Lee Jones. I am sorry what? Oh… Will Smith borrowed it to forget his shitty blue genie. Also, After Earth.)
Number 4: “I see dead people.” Yeah, he can communicate with the dead and is constantly drunk or high in an attempt to forego use of his powers. (Also, he’s one of the only cast members to play his character semi-convincingly.)
Number 5: He can jump through space and time. He went missing when he was 13 years old and comes back to the present day having aged 58 years mentally: still in the same 13-year-old body. The kid who plays him is the ONLY decent actor in the show and hence I am going to name drop him: Aidan Gallagher. He’s only 15. WTH is wrong with the rest of the cast?
Number 6: Not a main cast member, but since the posters and marketing team barely show him any love, I will. He possesses a weird Kraken-like monster under his skin and hence is extremely powerful. Quiet possibly the strongest member of the group.
Also, he’s dead. Nope, not a spoiler since it’s revealed in the first few minutes itself. (He’s still present in the show because of Number 4’s abilities.)
Number 7: Vanya, played by a high profile actress. She is a violin student who does not possess any powers at all. The rest of the family consider her to be irrelevant and hence, she chooses to distance herself from them. In her defence, the character is given emotion-suppressing drugs for plot reasons, which explains why she acts as such. Someone must have slipped those pills to everyone else on set as well.
Then there’s:
i) the businessman/wealthy guy/discount Professor X: Reginald Hargreeves. He plays the distant father who expects the most out of his kids.
ii) Hazel and Cha -Cha: Ruthless assassins who want to kill Number 5, but the script forgot to specify how strong they were and hence all of their fight scenes make no sense at all. Oh, and before I forget: THEY CAN’T ACT EITHER. They might actually be worse than Number 1, which is so sad…
The plot: All of the kids reunite at their X-Mansion to mourn their father’s death. Number 5 who went missing years ago, appears out of thin air (literally) with info that the world is about to end in 8 days.
Honestly though, the script is solid, especially considering the many elements I am leaving out such as:
- The organization that Cha-Cha and Hazel work for.
- Number 4 has a really good story arc.
- 5 is an impressive actor and plays to the story beats really well.
- the visuals and cinematography are decent enough.
But when the duo’s of Cha Cha-Hazel and Number 1-2 are on screen, the sense of realism just breaks down completely. And top that off with the show’s utter disregard for pacing, and you have a series that you can switch off after the first 30 minutes itself.
I am going to gloss over everything else that’s relevant such as score, direction etc because all of that is secondary to the acting itself. Please spare yourself from this monstrosity.
 My Rating: 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
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